It's my life...

24th August 2012... 04.42 am...

I feel like I've been hit with a hammer...

I feel like I've 'lost' a month of my life...

I have...

And more...

My physical progress has been put back almost to when I came out of hospital in 2010 after suffering a series of life threatening, traumatic illnesses...

Unfortunately, other very bad things happened...

What can I say? All of what I'm saying now is more words that weigh and haunt me... Yet I cannot let them go. They will remain with me for the rest of my life...

I've missed a lot; not least my grandmother's birthday; I may never get to see another... My daughter's worries with her job, university and having to watch her mum seriously ill again...

I should have been there for her not her worried sick about me...

The pain; f'ing pain!!!

Why do I get to go through so much pain?

The vulnerability of my physical conditions and constant anxiety in case I have a fall or injury...

The horrific realisation that even when I had a fall I was still extremely vulnerable... At the 'mercy' of some medical staff who thought they knew best...

I'm closing now before I say something I may not actually regret but might make me feel I'm weaker than others...